BREAKING: Johnny Depp To Be Charged And Held Under The Patriot Act

You’ve probably seen Johnny Depp’s last “Pirates” movie. In fact, you’ve probably seen the last of Johnny Depp. In a shocking announcement this morning, Homeland Security announced that it had enough evidence to charge Depp with conspiracy to assassinate the President and hold him as a terrorist enemy combatant.

Those words typically mean one thing: Gitmo. That’s where combatants are detained and debriefed. Depp can expect to be subject to intensive interrogation on how an iconic American actor could possibly have fallen so far. Major James Okenhurd told us:

“Depp’s apartment in the city is a shrine to Mohammed and Allah. He has several copies of the Quran and a collection of prayer rugs. There is no doubt that he is a practicing jihadist.”

Depp’s publicist denies the allegations, saying Depp is a method actor learning a role as a Muslim:

“To truly understand a role Johnny likes to immerse himself in it. He has to feel like one of the characters when the camera rolls.”

On that front, Depp has done a stellar job. He appears to have even come up with a workable plan on how to assassinate the president the next time he’s in Concord, New Hampshire. Experts from the Secret Service say the plan is meticulous and would probably have worked, although the perpetrator would never escape alive.

But then again, he’s a Muslim now. Life isn’t all that important anymore.

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