BREAKING: Obama Divorce Rumor CONFIRMED–Here’s What We Know

Late last week, a rumor began circulating in Washington social circles that there was trouble in paradise for Barack and Michelle Obama. While there was no confirmation, it was being tossed around that it was Barack looking to dump Michelle. This morning, a filing in the District Court of Cook County, Illinois confirmed that the couple is seeking divorce and that Barack is, in fact, the plaintiff.

According to county docket D4610968L86, Barack Hussein Obama seeks dissolution of marriage from Michelle Obama on grounds of infidelity and irreconcilable differences. The infidelity, according to the Obama’s longtime housekeeper, Analita Consuelo Gonsales, isn’t recent but rather the revelation through a recent DNA test that Obama isn’t the biological father of Sasha or Malia.

Gonsales said that it wasn’t really a surprise, because during an argument in 2003 Barack admitted to Michelle that he had faked all of his orgasms. Michelle, in turn, admitted that she had an affair with a biolab and that the children were actually the product of advanced genetic engineering. Apparently, Malia is secretly one of the most talented dulcimer musicians in the world and Sasha’s IQ is so high she’s a single lab accident away from being a supervillain and taking over the world.

Obama, who suddenly feels like an outcast in a family of such amazing people, will step aside and even back Michelle’s 2020 run for president, but he will not agree to paying any form of support for Sasha, who is still a minor, mostly because she makes more money playing Texas Hold ’em in a month than he makes in a year.

It’s lucky for us that we don’t have to have this kind of craziness in our White House anymore. Having a great, stable family like the Trumps is doing wonders for America.

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